in a move to maybe do some of that "join the community in which i now live" shit, i went to church yesterday. often, i like church. in TO, i'd found one that fit with my own interpretations of what the hell had happened to the religion-- not the faith-- in the last howeverthefuck many years. but i tend to skew rather intellectual on these things, so i'll try to keep this short.
during yesterday's visit to a service a few things happened. i say "visit to a " because i didn't stay. i couldn't. i was crying. this isn't how i want to join with others in worshipping god, crying in horror at the outward braying hypocrisy (and yes, some of you will say it belongs to anyone who calls him/herself a "xian", but i've known a lot of them, most of those were theologians, and i don't believe it's always crap.)
i do not dress up for church. ever. never have. sometimes wear nicer shoes, because i like nicer shoes, but i went in a funky t-shirt paired with pinstriped trousers. it was very me. it wasn't the polyester bright reds and whatever the hell the "proper" wear is. just me. oh, and i didn't shy about the tattoos, despite the community. (there's really no getting past my hair or forty earrings.)
things that shouldn't happen in churches that are formalized: tardiness. the pastor reading every announcement in the bulletin to the point where i almost (seriously) asked if his congregation was illiterate, the most ridiculously ridiculously trite "passing of peace" in which four people obligatorily shook my hand and didn't allow me to share peace with them because they had to turn back to the people they knew. it was after that, a song started, but a triumgynate in front of me decided to chitchat about the tattoos i had. i nearly shoved them. (not WWJD). i left, sobbing. singing in church, a very big deal to me, i have a love of churches history, the development of theology. but one church in fifteen years has convinced me of its sincerity when it comes to commitment to community building, honesty, liberalism and open-ness.
which brings me to the realization, (one i had a while ago), that i can't be considered xian. i would take on the nym "Post-Christian". the world is done, really with christianity as it has been considered, it has to be. i know i'm not saying anything really new to anyone who gives a shit, and if it wasn't that i have to go paint the office before the furniture comes, i'd get more into it. christianity isn't relevant to the greater world, despite noise to a different doctrine. and reverting to "sect of judaism" is a wee bit out of the question.
when christians seem to be vociferous proponents of war, of murder and other ethically unfathomable action, the thing is a goner.
