Viscous Lidocaine

yeah that thing, it might not be the flu

but we'll let you know on thursday.

i've been absent from the 'schphere for a while and i just might be getting back in the swing of things when it occurs to the darling Otherh and myself that,  uh, i'm somewhat larger noticeably.   appt at planned parenthood (for a test, fellas) is thursday.  i'll let you know if we're having a blogger.

requiem aeterna

we were lovers for a brief, intense time.   she was undergoing horrific amounts of stress (job related) and i was in the middle of depression.  then she OD'd.  and again.  and again.  she said she didn't want to hurt anymore, and i don't rightly know which hurt more, her heart or her body.  (though some say they're not different.)  and then she disappeared.  didn't call, didn't respond to calls, didn't come online for fun and play, was just black/white, here/not here. 

someone called me this a.m. to tell me she was gone.  not known is the source of her goneness. 

i want to scream FUCK YOU.  but i want to shout Just Let Me Hold You Longer, Baby.  I want to make her giggle again. 

and i can't.

why i shouldn't ask for loans

Because I might get them....

this is a 2002 volvo s60, which i have loved since i've seen it.
I have a special place in my heart for volvos, begat when i met
my uncle's old 244.  My first car was a 242, a '78 or something
like that, and i called her Greta.

I have almost figured out what this one should be called, but she's dreamy.  everything is buttery smooth and so fine. 

google, ya big joker

I googled "italian soccer scandal" to see what was being said about the dictates of a retired judge upon 3 1st division teams, and google directed me to this with a lede about a judge and some penalties and refs and stuff.

The Vatican expressed strong dismay but was awaiting more information after a Zambian archbishop announced that he was championing the cause of married priests in the Roman Catholic Church. In a statement, the Vatican said it was still seeking precise information regarding the archbishop, Emmanuel Milingo, above, who previously faced excommunication after defying the church by marrying, after he appeared at a news conference on Wednesday in Washington to announce his new mission. The Vatican also said that if statements attributed to the archbishop were true, then ''there would be no choice but to condemn them.'' The archbishop said it was time for the church to end its celibacy rule and ''reconcile with married priests,'' news agencies reported. Five years ago, Archbishop Milingo married a South Korean in a mass wedding by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon of the Unification Church. He later renounced his marriage. PETER KIEFER (NYT)

i don't get it, either.

things to do

every day i try to make a list of all the things i have to do.  today involves two (2) appointments at the shitty free hospital, waiting 2 hrs for prescriptions and wating again for prescriptions.  the reason for my dual wait is that i have time to kill between appointments and i'd rather sit in the dingy hospital pharmacy lobby sipping on a gatorade than driving home and turning around and driving back.  the second wait is for the rxs i will undoubtedly accrue in my second appointment, which is with my psychiatric nurse practitioner, and will be a fight.  why a fight? because i'm unhappy with my current state of prescribed stability, as it is unstable, and i know what i want to fix that, but in texas nurses can only write refills, so she'll have to find an md to write the extras.

my todo list contains a section listing off eight meds i want/need refilled.  i do not fancy going the weekend, or even the night, without them.  not that most psych meds work altogether quickly, but some (like sleepers) do wonders when sleep is fleeting.

i also need the rxs written for at least 90 days.  no one wants to do this on psych meds, but i assure you i have no intention of taking them all at once.

canada was diferent.  you needed: you got.   well, i did.  but in canada i wasn't a pauper tryign to make up my own med regime.  i was a person.

here i'm a disabled mentally ill not working slug who can't find my ass with a map, i think.  or at least that's what i'm told.

the good news is, i'm interviewing more for positions aplenty.  real live pro positions that i have a chance in hell of getting.   this is nice, and a boon to my waning self-esteem.

and this is why they call it ministering?

so i need some food.  right, no big deal, go to the food bank.  except the food bank won't let me get food if i'm not getting food stamps.  huh? 
i have to show up with my grandmother's dress size, the number of teeth my dog has, my own left ovary and proof of address before they'll give me a can of beans and a bag of potatoes.

ffs.  i'm hungry and i don't have a social security card.  wtf.

getting a migraine. having a migraine. one is easy, the other insane.

so i ask around about how to get in touch with a dr about calling in an rx so i can not have a migraine.  and i get replies that basically say well if you don't have a regular dr you're screwed. 

in canada, you called the pharmacy and the pharmacy called the dr.   this seems odd to me, but i'm a yank.

i tried the "hi i need a dr to call in an rx" thing with the reception at my family care center, or whatever the fuck they call it, and i got a listless reply that my chart would be pulled and a dr would call me. 

when?  i feel like i could die from this headache.   the ER or urgent care is out, there's no car to get us there.  i don't even know how the fuck i'd get an rx to my house.   maybe a bus.  taxis are too expensive, i think.

i guess i'll get a bus sked.    next question, how do you take a bus when your eyes are bleeding?

btw, no one thinks i'm right, but i didn't get this gig i went up for yesterday.   i was really excited about it, but i got no call back.

can't sleep

i am not able to sleep.  therefore, i shall foist myself upon the web, though not ebay, because that's the devil.  syd barrett died today or yesterday or something recently of "undisclosed" cause. of course that went reported without noting his schizophrenia. 

tomorrow a.m. i have an interview, which i don't have very often, so i don't know i'm supposed to fake how great i am at anything.  i'm too fucking honest for my own good i think. 

i took out my earrings in prep for this thing.  i have a thick-banded watch and a bracelet to cover up any ink that might peek out on my wrists.  i think i usually wear 23 earrings.  that, of course, includes a ring in my tragus and a ring through my conch, not to mention an industrial in my left ear.   i feel a weird compulsion to pluck my eyebrows, though they don't need it.   

is there a coming race war? are neo nazis joining up for urban combat training?  if this is the case, then maybe just leave them over there.  what a shit thing to say, eh?  if you're so gung-ho to shoot at people- then fine, please don't return to my cities: primarily if you're a white supremacist.

obviously i just heard this on the news, something i haven't really noticed for about a month, probably closing in on 6 weeks.   

going to go find the bed.  maybe the otherh'll be near it, too.

post monday

that's really post-sunday, isn't it.   ah well.  the day is bringing me lists upon lists of things to do, and i, having gotten up at 4am to do yoga at 5am, am all ready to do all my things on all my lists except for a) i don't have a car anymore and b) if i did have a car, no one is open yet. 

i have an interview for a job that might actually suit me.  i won't say much about it here but it would be working with university students on time management and things of that sort, at which i'm actually pretty good.  (that whole project managing thing teaches you fast.  ok, so does double majoring and double minoring, but that seems like a century ago.)  in any event, if any of you stumble across this, cross yer fingers for me, i go to a big meeting wednesday and i never know what the fuck to wear.  i do know i really ought to cover up some of those tattoos. 

so, yes, i'm a-hunting for a job, while the otherh gets jobs kind of flung in that general direction.  the chicago thing just wasn't working out, i think i mentioned that elsewhere.  but i did get a t-shirt. 

clandestinely (a blog post full of secrets), my family is really having a go at starting a company.  which is great and all, but companies need money.  in fact, we need money so we still have electricity.  so, we're hoping that someone gets something in the money making field so we can go to work for ourselves.  it's a really fucked up situation. 

so, the world cup ended, and zidane went out with a bang if there ever was one.  the commentary sucked, the ref'ing mostly sucked and if i never hear marcelo balboa explain offsides again, it will be too soon.  france won that game yesterday, penalty kicks be damned.    and that's what i have to say about that.

summer is too hot by at least 20 degrees.  it has destroyed any sense of good mood i could muster, so i blame carbon consumption.   who the fuck knows.   now that there's no soccer to watch (at least til the EPL starts next month), i may find myself actually caring about the other things in the world, and no barry bonds, i don't mean you.

third place

today is the third place game of the world cup between germany and portugal.  consolation games don't make a helluva lotta sense to me, and the utter despair that was all over these two teams, having lost their semi finals, i don't know whether it will make for good soccer.  part of me thinks "these are soccer players, a game is a game is a game" and the rest of me thinks "this is not for the cup, who is going to give a ripe fuck?"

but i will watch it, along with the shit commercials at half time.  (there's only like five commercials playing during the whole tournament.)  i will watch it, i will criticize crappy fouls, i will yell at refs and players and i will, like i do, enjoy the beautiful game. 

because tomorrow france is so kicking italy's ass.